


Why won't you love me

by L4sht0n



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, At least I didn't cry?, Fluff, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Songfic, i don't know what this is, i guess, inspired by why won't you love me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 05:25:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17995727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L4sht0n/pseuds/L4sht0n
Summary: Ever since Ashton left, Luke has struggled to find out why Ashton won't love him.





	Why won't you love me

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by Why won't you love me, what a shocker. I hope you like this one-shot! This is also published on Wattpad under @-Night-Stalker-

Luke would’ve liked to say that he didn’t know when he realised Ashton didn’t love anymore. That it just happened along the way, because it sounded better. It sounded better to not know when he realised when his boyfriend had stopped loving him, instead of knowing the exact time he realised his feelings weren’t returned in the same way.

Now, Ashton never cheated. He wasn’t like that. Ashton was a proper man, and would probably hurt himself before he hurt Luke, and that’s probably why he stuck around much longer than he wanted to. Because he knew Luke could take the heartbreak, though it was an agony for Ashton to stay in a broken relationship. Luke wanted to hold on to Ashton, and Ashton held on to Luke – even though he wanted to let go.

Luke realised Ashton had stopped loving him on the 4th of March 02:43 AM. He had seen no warning signs; no things had led up to the point where Luke knew that Ashton didn’t love him anymore. It was stupid really, they’d talked on the phone. Ashton probably dying to get to sleep, but too nice to hang on. When Luke finally said goodbye, he had finished their call like they always did. By claiming how much he loved Ashton, and Ashton for the first time ever had not said it back. He had wished Luke a good night and hung up.

It could be an honest mistake, Michael had thought so. It was late, Ashton was probably tired. But it wasn’t. Luke knew it wasn’t. Ashton had proclaimed his love for Luke in all kinds of states, drunk, high, drowsy, hungry, angry, through tears and through laughter. Ashton had told him he’d love him at all kinds of times. Even times it wasn’t suited to tell Luke how much Ashton loved him.

If Ashton wanted you to feel his love, he’d let you know. Luke knew this.

That night Ashton didn’t want Luke to know he loved him. Because he didn’t. Not anymore.

As a proof less than a week later they were through. Completely and utterly thorough. So, through that the very day Ashton had stopped at Luke’s apartment to pick up his belongings the ones he left behind after each stay and dropping of Luke’s. A day later, Luke couldn’t find Ashton on any social media, probably blocked. And that weekend when Luke was shitfaced enough to dare call Ashton he realised Ashton had a new number.

If it wasn’t for the memories it would’ve been like they never had been. Ashton had gone every mile just to delete Luke from his life, and Luke just didn’t know why. Luke would’ve liked to ask Ashton why they broke up. Because all he’d gotten when he asked was some shitty excuse that sometimes people fall out of love. Luke had accepted it then, but only because if they continued talking he’d break out crying.

Luke wanted to ask. Luke really wanted to ask Ashton why he wouldn’t love him, but he didn’t have it in him. Luke was afraid of the answer he’d get.

But why wouldn’t Ashton love him? Was it the way Luke looked? Ashton had often joked that he liked him better with the lip ring, but Luke had taken it out because he grew out of his wannabe punk phase. (Besides it was better kissing Ashton with it gone.)

Was it the beard? Cause Luke could shave it. Was his style too lame? Luke knew he wasn’t the most well-dressed. Both Calum and Ashton dressed better than him. And Ashton often helped him to find a decent outfit, Luke just wasn’t good at those sorts of things, but he could learn! He was willing to learn for Ashton.

If that made Ashton come back, Luke would wear all kinds of clothes. Or none for that matter.

Was the sex not great? Luke doubted it. Ashton had never complained, and his previous partners had never said anything either. Luke was normally the one fucking Ashton and not the other way around, but if Ashton wanted to switch it up Luke was willing to try it out. Ashton just had to say the word. Ashton basically had Luke wrapped around his finger, and Luke just couldn’t understand why he was unlovable.

What had he done wrong? What had he done that made Ashton not love him? Why wouldn’t Ashton love him? Luke didn’t know. And why couldn’t he stop loving Ashton? Luke didn’t know the answer to that either. His phone background was still of Ashton for Christ’s sake! A twisted way of showing how devoted Luke still was.  
If Luke could’ve seen Ashton’s lock screen he’d bet it wasn’t the stupid background of him posing next to a Hello Kitty statue.

Because Luke still loved Ashton, and his lock screen still was Ashton. But Ashton didn’t love Luke, so his background wasn’t Luke.

Luke wondered what had made Ashton stop loving him, he should probably stop thinking about it. At least that’s what Michael said, but he just couldn’t It was a mystery to him, a riddle, and he couldn’t stop thinking about it before he had the answer. Like those stupid, hard riddles people told you that you never got the answer to. So, they just kept haunting you forever.

Had Luke taken Ashton out too much? Too little? Had he bought Ashton too little flowers? Luke could’ve bought Ashton flowers. He had on some occasions too, but maybe it was too little. Luke could’ve bought him more if only Ashton gave him the chance.

Most days Luke spent on his sofa, well evenings. The daytime he buried himself in his studies. It seemed better to think about the world’s history than to remember how his own history was starting to fade into nothingness. The evening was lonely, especially now that he had no one to keep him company.  
Though some couples did, Luke and Ashton had never been together all the time. They’d taken their times apart.

To breathe, to be with family, some personal space here and there. And those days Luke spent them on his sofa, just like he’d been doing the last months. Yet those days never seemed as lonely as they did now. Mostly because Luke knew he had Ashton. Now, he had no one. He had no one to love him. Ashton certainly didn’t.

Why didn’t Ashton love him? Luke really wondered.

Luke could clearly remember that Ashton had once told him that Luke would never be lonely. Even though they were apart he’d never be lonely. It was so hard to be lonely, so Ashton didn’t want Luke to feel that feeling. Ironic how Ashton had told him he wouldn’t be lonely, yet it was he who left him alone.

Why would Ashton do that? He wouldn’t have done that if he loved Luke, but he didn’t. Not anymore. He didn’t love Luke. Luke knew he was unloved, but he still wondered why. And how.

First time in months Luke saw Ashton was at a dinner party at Ashton’s. Luke didn’t know how Ashton had come to think it’d be a good idea to invite his ex, along with his two best friends. But it ended up like that anyway. Michael, Calum and he was having dinner at Ashton’s. It was asking for trouble, according to Michael. And Luke silently agreed. (He knew he’d do something stupid because he was so desperate for Ashton’s attention.)

When Ashton had opened his door he’d been met with a surprising sight. Luke had the lip ring again, and he didn’t wear any worn-out skinny jeans with a band tee along with it. He’d actually made an effort and looked good. (He always looked stylish nowadays.) His hair slightly reached below his ears, but not any longer than that. The exact length Ashton liked best on him. Face newly shaved, and in his hand, he had a flower bouquet, handing it to Ashton with a friendly smile. Which Ashton accepted gratefully.

He looked good.

He really did, but it was just a facade. On the outside, he might look like he was over the break-up, and that was what Ashton thought as well. But those who knew Luke knew that he wasn’t.

Luke didn’t look broken, but he was.

“Welcome,” Ashton said, letting Luke into his apartment, and Luke walked in taking off his shoes, and hanging up his jacket. He knew Ashton hated a mess. The apartment looked exactly the same, which surprised Luke. He’d expected it to change seeing as Ashton had changed. But no, it was the same. Ashton had changed though. Not only because he didn’t love Luke anymore, but his hair was red. It looked good, but it was different. A way of showing that things between them were different. Calum and Michael were there already, and Luke joined them, while Ashton retreated to the kitchen to do the last preparations for the dinner.

“Hey man, what’s up,” Michael said when Luke sat down at Ashton’s couch. He’d been there when Ashton had bought it and helped him carry it up three floors. It all seemed so long ago now. It was less than a year ago though.

“Not much,” Luke answered. Because nothing was up. Without Ashton, he’d fallen into a steady rhythm where he slept, ate, worked and studied. Boring, but life without Ashton was boring.

“You never return my calls anymore,” Michael continued. But Luke only scoffed, Michael was being melodramatic as usual.

“I do? We spoke like two days ago,” Luke argued.

“You have like three missed calls from me,” Michael said, showing the blond male he’d called at 2 AM.

“I never heard,” Luke said, and he wasn’t sure if it was a lie or not. “And when I saw it I was late to work.” That was truth, Luke had seen it the next morning, but he was late to work so he hadn’t called Michael up. He could’ve called in his break, but he chose not to.

They ate shortly after, and the food was delicious. Not that Luke had expected anything less, Ashton was an excellent cook. Had been so when they were together, and he doubted that would change. The conversation between the four of the flowed nicely, not leaving anyone on the outside. Yet it wasn’t the same. They shared their laughs, and shared new stories – yet Luke noticed that it wasn’t like it used to be. The conversations Ashton and he used to have was different. Though the conversation was in no way forced, it seemed so in compression with what they used to have.

When Luke excused himself to the toilet Michael spoke up.

“Did you know Luke always keeps his face freshly shaved because you disliked his beard? Or that he keeps his hair that way because you said it suited him. Did you notice he got his lip ring back? Yeah, he did that for you. And he keeps dressing like he’s going to a party, only because you used to tell him how he owned no personal style. Maybe you noticed the-..” Michael didn’t get the chance to continue.

“Stop,” Ashton said, his voice was bitter. Almost like it hurt him to hear that Luke still did all this for him. He did all this just to be loved, because he couldn’t understand why Ashton didn’t love him anymore.

“Luke won’t admit this, but his lock screen is still the picture of you, because it reminds him of seeing your face. He told me when he was drunk,” Calum filled in.

“I said stop,” Ashton repeated. And the both could clearly see, it did hurt Ashton to hear all this. It shouldn’t if he didn’t give damn about Luke, but he did. He still loved Luke. In some twisted, sick way he still loved Luke. Even though he was the one who left. He was the one who caused all this pain, yet it pained to hear it.

To Michae,l it was just. Luke had gone through hell the last months, even though he looked fine. Ashton was Michael’s best friend along with Calum and Luke, and Michael wished him no harm. But it was just for Ashton to feel some of Luke’s pain, since he was the one who caused it. Calum didn’t think so, however, he did think that Ashton needed to hear how Luke really was doing and not judge on how Luke was acting.

Because Luke wanted to pretend everything was fine. Keep up a flashy image, because maybe if Ashton saw how lovable Luke was, he’d take him back. That was what Luke was rooting for anyway.

“He still loves you,” Michael said, but it was quiet, almost like a murmur.

“I said stop,” Ashton’s hand hit the surface making the items on the table shake a little from the contact. Michael understood why Ashton didn’t want to hear this, because if he heard it. It wasn’t as easy to pretend he was over Luke. In many ways, Ashton was over Luke, or maybe that’s what he liked to tell himself, but there was still some part of holding on to Luke. And Luke was clinging onto Ashton.

Luke returned shortly after, and the three of them pretend like nothing had happened, but Luke could still feel the change in the atmosphere. A living and breathing proof that something had happened. They’d be stupid if they thought Luke couldn’t notice the change in Ashton’s behaviour. They had been dating for years, Luke would see those little things no one else would see, because they had spent so much time together.

Ashton’s eyes lingered on him seconds longer. He spoke softer, and a pace quicker than before. His hazel eyes refused to meet Luke’s blue ones for more than a second. And then there was Ashton’s nervous twitching. But Luke said nothing. He knew that Ashton wanted to pretend like nothing had happened.

If they’d been dating Luke would’ve reached for Ashton’s hand and given it a small squeeze along with a comforting smile. But they weren’t dating. Not anymore. So, Luke held his ground. He finished eating and participated in the conversation not facing Ashton once.

The now red-haired man was praying, and maybe even hoping, for Luke to turn his direction and smile at him. Or not smile but just look at him, once, but Luke didn’t. Ashton wanted to feel how it felt when Luke devoted his full attention to you. It had always made Ashton feel important, and he wanted to feel that now. But Luke’s attention was elsewhere, and it made Ashton’s slightly jealous. That Calum was the one receiving Luke’s attention and not himself. It was silly of Ashton to feel jealous on Calum, Luke had no interest in Calum, and he and Luke were through. Yet there Ashton was feeling almost angry that Luke wouldn’t even look at him once.

After a couple of glasses of wine, Calum and Michael took their leave. It was getting late, and both of that had a work tomorrow. It’d be stupid to press the limit, only to work with a hangover tomorrow. Luke to was about to leave, but he decided against it. People could communicate in other ways than words, and Luke had over the years together with Ashton learned to interpret some of Ashton’s ways of speaking.

The look Luke received when he was going for his leather jacket only said one thing. It was begging, even screaming, him to stay. Luke stayed. It was strange really, over the couple of months Luke would’ve killed for a look like this from Ashton. He had been so desperate for some attention from Ashton. Yet, right now, he didn’t want it.

Over a couple of months Luke had stood still not able to move on, and now after a couple of hours, it felt like he had lost interest in Ashton. He didn’t want him anymore. It must’ve been the wine. Luke was probably drunker than he realised. He was in love with Ashton, so why did it feel like he was falling out of love?

Was fate really that cruel? Luke had gone months longing for Ashton, but when Ashton finally showed some interest, Luke didn’t want him.

Ashton poured himself a new glass and asked Luke if he wanted one as well, Luke accepted one as well. A little unsure of what he was supposed to do or say. Luckily, Ashton was very easy to talk to and the conversation between them started to flow naturally.

“Luke, how have you been?” Ashton asked, and Luke smiled.

“Good, I’ve been good,” Luke answered, and he didn’t know if it was lie or not. He had fallen of the rails when Ashton had left him, but he was doing good. He was paying his bills, he was focusing more on his studies and he talked once in awhile with his family. Maybe not as much as they’d like to, but he wasn’t locking himself in.

Ashton gave him a disbelieving look, and Luke wondered what Michael and Calum might have told him. “I mean, it’s been some rough couple of months, but I’m managing. I’m doing good, honestly.” Ashton could take answer or leave it, he wasn’t getting anything else. It was closer to the truth, but only a very rough sketch of how Luke had been. He’d been lonely, insecure and he still wondered why Ashton didn’t love him. Was Luke unlovable? He really did wonder if he was.

“And you?” Luke asked, suddenly not feeling like the grown man he was. He felt small, breakable. He didn’t want to hear how well Ashton was doing, when he hadn’t been doing any good himself. Luke didn’t want to hear that Ashton was over him. Though he probably was over Ashton himself.

“Its been,” Ashton sighed before he continued. “I’ve had my up’s and down’s. I mean, I miss you like crazy, but it’s stupid because I’m the one who left.” A week ago, Luke would’ve smiled like a fool, and probably done something reckless like pulling Ashton into a kiss. Now he felt nothing. He didn’t feel his heart leap when Ashton admitted he missed him too, he didn’t feel the happiness he thought he felt. He felt blank, like he was already fading into nothingness.

Was Luke over Ashton or was he so buried in sorrow he didn’t feel anything but numb?

“I’ve missed you too,” Luke replied, because he knew it was the truth. Yet right now he didn’t feel the longing that he had grown used to the past months. The past months Luke had grown used to feel a constant longing after Ashton. Now the feeling was gone, and Luke wondered where it had gone. And what it had been replaced with, because right now he felt nothing.

Ashton did though. He felt a lot and acted on a stupid impulse. He dragged Luke into a kiss. A kiss Luke would’ve wanted every other day than today. Last month, last week and yesterday Luke would’ve wanted a kiss from Ashton. But right now, he didn’t want it.

He didn’t feel anything as Ashton kissed him. He felt the impact of Ashton’s lips and having him close. But he didn’t feel the sparks or the firework he used to feel when Ashton used to kiss him. Like before. Maybe Luke had fallen out of love. Luke wanted to kiss Ashton back, he really did. But he couldn’t.

So, he pulled away.

“If you had kissed me the day before this, I’d kiss you back with no hesitation. But now I can’t,” Luke started, and didn’t now how to continue. It was strange how one minute he felt his heart swell of the thought of Ashton, and the next that it didn’t even skip a beat.

Ashton said nothing, but his hazel eyes grew sad. A feeling Luke had started to grow used to. “I’m always too late, aren’t I?” Ashton tried to laugh it off, but the sentence was so sad that even Luke, emotionless Luke, could feel a thug at his heart. Poor Ashton.

Luke pitied him, but the pity didn’t turn into love.

“You know,” Luke started, “all this time I wondered why you left, I just couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t love me. But I think I realised, it’s not you who won’t love me. It’s I. I don’t love myself, and I’m incapable of loving someone else before I love myself. You still have a dear place in my heart, and I want to come back for you when I’ve figured myself out. But before that, I don’t want to ruin this.” Luke pointed a finger at himself and Ashton. “A second time. Would you wait for me if I asked you to?"

Ashton kissed Luke’s cheek before he whispered into Luke’s ear. “I’ll always wait for you.”

With that, the two parted. Not as friends. Not as lovers. Just as a promise. A promise of finding back to each other when they were ready. Only fate knew if they eventually would, but that was part of the deal. They’d try. For themselves, and for each other.

Why wouldn’t Ashton love Luke, was the wrong question. It was more like, why couldn’t Ashton stop loving Luke? Why wouldn’t Luke love Ashton? Because he couldn’t. Not at the moment. Luke, however, hoped that the next time he saw Ashton, he could.


End file.
